Because that's what they are and titles are hard

Honey Boo Boo

My good friend Liz has been volunteering her time with little children in Guatemala for the past few months. She is pretty much an exceptional person, and awesome and beautiful and great and I want her to come back. Unfortunately, her angelic tendencies of goodwill have stopped her from jumping on the Honey Boo-Boo train. Tragic - I know. So while she is saving the lives of children, I told her I would report on the destructive life of another.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:

BACK UP: In case you didn't know, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a spin-off of the show Toddlers in Tiaras. Honey Boo Boo is famous for making her belly talk, and drinking "Go-Go Juice" (Mt. Dew and Red Bull mixed together). So she's a pageant kid, which is already a mess. But she's a red-neck-hick pageant kid, which adds a nice twist.

Let me paint you a picture: Honey Boo Boo is a rather rotund, pink six-year-old with curly blond hair. She often talks with duck faced lips whilst jerking her head from side to side in a "oh-no-you-di-ent" fashion. Their home is Georgia. A little white house about two feet away from a train track. LITERALLY two feet away. Like I'm pretty sure if you stuck your arm out the window, it could potentially get ripped off by a moving train. The show is interspersed with scenes of random dogs eating trash, and I guess these people have a dog that lives under the porch and is never allowed inside and is never pet. But he's always there.

Honey Boo Boo has three sisters: Chickadee, Pumpkin and Chubbs. Pumpkin is a 12-year-old with a major attitude problem, and is the biggest laziest slob and is probably a lesbian. Like I can only imagine her interaction with the opposite sex to be punching them. But then again same with girls. But also this is weird because she's 12. I swear in the show she seems like.... an immature 17.

Chubbs is really sweet, but will probably kill herself because her name is Chubbs. She's 15 and is trying to lose weight, and she's not even the fattest one. (I actually think all the kids are pretty equal).

Then Chickadee is the random pretty one, but zoom out camera and you see she is the pregnant one. She is 17 and huge with baby. She doesn't really do much except have fake-out contractions and complain about her biscuit.

Oh whats that you say? What is a biscuit? That would be a vagina. Mama goes into a whole explanation about why a vagina is called a biscuit, and the whole family talks about biscuits on the reg.

Mama is the mom. She is 316lbs. The whole family does weigh-ins and I'm pretty sure that's what she is. Honey Boo Boo has to crawl on the floor to read the scale because Mama can't see past her boobs. To be fair, I think Mama is great. I think she truly means well, and loves her family, and wants the best for them....she just...doesn't know what she's doing. Each daughter comes from a different man, and I have no idea how this woman got so much action. Apparently Mama has some sort of crust growing in her neck rolls. I am not even joking. They cover that in an episode. She also has "forklift foot" which is where a forklift ran over her foot and disfigured it. She is highly embarrassed by her foot so she never takes off her socks. So when the family goes out for pedicures, she gets her socks painted, because, you know, that is less embarrassing. When Mama laughs, her eyes become little slits, and I swear she looks like a jolly buddha. She likes to use the expression "Paint up this old barn" when it comes to doing up her face to go out.

Who would Mama go out with? Well that would be her baby daddy, Sugar Bear. Sugar Bear is Honey Boo Boo's dad. He just sits there straight-faced and says nothing. These shows always do side interviews, and he says two words and then the editors put in cricket noises. His mouth is full of dip at all times, and I guess he works in the chalk mines. Side-note. When I think of chalk mines I immediately picture a magic cave full of colorful sidewalk chalk stalagmites. I'm sure that's not what it is. Sugar Bear would probably be more cheery.

OH HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THAT THIS ENTIRE SHOW IS SUBTITLED. They are speaking english in america, and the entire show has to be subtitled because you have no idea what they are saying.

Sugar Bear bought a pig from "Posh Pig's" for Honey Boo Boo. She named him Glitzy because of the Glitz Pageants (which are a thing I guess) and because he was a boy pig, she declared him gay because she wanted to put crowns and dresses on him. Honey Boo Boo fears that Mama is going to eat Glitzy, because she eats everything else.

Mama is an extreme couponer, so the house is floor to ceiling full of toilet paper and dish soap. Oh also these people wash their hair in the kitchen sink because its dirty to take a bath or a shower because you get the dirty water on you. right right.

They eat Road Kill.

They go to the redneck games and do mud belly flops and bob for pigs feet.

They go to auctions to get great deals on food that has fallen out of the back of a truck or may have expired. Its way cheaper that way and they can spend more money on Honey Boo Boo's Glitz dresses.

Honey Boo Boo thinks that Elvis works for Santa. Thats right, I said Elvis. Not Elves.

Probably the highlight of the season was when Chickadee gave birth to her baby, Kaitlyn Elizabeth, and the kid had two thumbs on one hand. This baby has eleven fingers. It was too good to be true. I'm sure the producers were shitting themselves. You couldn't have planned a better finale. Then Pumpkin was feeding the newborn red bull.

I haven't even covered that much, and I'm exhausted. It was a great show because its ridiculous, but then your heart dips a little bit when you realize these are your fellow americans, and you aren't THAT far away from them. I still love them and will tune in for next season probably. Oh man. Sorry Liz, I hope this covers it. I was going to go into more detail but now I'm depressed.