Because that's what they are and titles are hard

50 Shades Abridged

There was so much talk about this 50 Shades of Grey business, and so many tv spoofs, I really wanted to be in the loop and be in on the joke. I just finished the third and final book of the trilogy, which I wasn't really expecting to do. It was one of those things where I was so far in I just had to see it through. There were a lot of pages that were unnecessary in my opinion, so I'm just going to write out the story, stripped down and abridged, for those who also want to know what is going on but don't want to read a million pages of murmuring and blushing. For those of you who DO want to read the books, here is your spoiler alert. So stop and go to a bookstore. 50 Shades of Grey Book 1:

Our heroine Anastasia Steele is a 21 year old virgin, barely out of college, awkward girl. BUT when I say awkward girl I don't mean like, actually awkward, I mean probably a model who has really big eyes and hair that doesn't stay tucked behind her ears and she bites her lip whenever she's uncomfortable. AWKWARD RIGHT? How could anyone like that get a guy? Its impossible obviously....or so we think! Twist!

So she ends up going to this fancy office building and meets a man named Christian Grey, and hes like, devastatingly handsome, chiseled, "tousled hair," god of a man who owns everything in Seattle and later reveals that he makes "$100,000 an hour." And he is an older man! Which weird. The way he is described makes me think he is 37 at least, but no he is a youngster.

So they meet and as I said before who would like the really skinny lip biter? Apparently the most handsome and rich man in seattle.

So they go through really weird electric hand touching and blushing and flushing and lip biting and smoldering eye contact for a chapter or two.

Blah blah blah

Then he's like I WANT TO BONE YOU, BUT YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT THESE PAPERS and shes like OK OK OK!! YES PLEASE, but the papers are like "you ok with anal fisting? how about genital clamps?" and shes like wait whaaat and hes like oh yeah I'M A DOM and shes like oh im a VIRGIN and hes like UGH this is SO ANNOYING I guess I will have some vanilla sex with you then fine ugh geeze. So then its like uncomfortably graphic erections and panting, where you have to read through your fingers and die. So then shes like oh wow this is just great im enveloped in my orgasm and then hes like "normal sex is weird, lets go to my playroom."

His playroom is like a whips and chains museum. And because hes a Dom (did I mention this is "Dominant?" I guess I'm just an expert of the terminology now har har) she has to be a Sub (submissive) and like crawl around naked and say "yes, sir" and stuff. Oh did I mention she had a riding crop dream and orgasmed herself awake? I'm skeptical. So then in the playroom shes able to live out her dream I guess.

Oh I think its important to mention that they only talk in murmurs and breaths. Also hes really into spanking and punishment which I guess is the way of the Dom. Ana is all confused though because she's into it and she's like "should I be into it????" #whitegirlproblems - am I right?

So then it goes on and on where hes like buying her computers and cars and clothes and shes like ew no money is weird and hes all confused about his feelings for her because he likes her more than a Sub and shes like this guy is perfect who would love me with my giant doe eyes and perfect complexion??

Oh also they have so much sex all the time through-out this riveting plot line.

So they kind of take it easy on all the playroom stuff and throw out the butt-plug contract to be a little more normal, but, ha, YOU KNOW CHRISTIAN AKA MR. MERCURIAL!! He loves being in control!! Ana is still confused about being into spanking and is also curious about the fact that he keeps talking about taking her to her limit or something so shes like do it! take me to the limit! and hes like ok! so he starts beating her ass with a belt, so then shes like WHAT THE FUCK I AM SO OUT and hes like noooooooo.

50 Shades Darker Book 2:

Their fight is resolved like, within the first chapter and they are back together, so don't you worry, Readers.

So they are hanging out (sexing) each other all the time and Christian is super closed off and doesn't ever want to be touched on his chest but ALL she wants to do is fondle his chest hair and probably breath on it or something. So she keeps prodding at him and he's like "no, its my past, I have no heart" drama drama.

So now that Ana is a college grad, she gets a job at a publishing house, and Christian is like, ok cool, I will buy said publishing house. Classic Christian. And she's like ugh CHRISTIAN can't you just let me LIVE MY LIFE and he's like blown away by her ability to speak because usually subs aren't allowed to talk or else they get beaten with penises or something.

So Ana is at work and she has a boss named Jack Hyde who is always just a little too close. Stay tuned.

Ana is on lunch break and sees this girl who looks just like her but crazier and has like, bloody arm bandages and shes like WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT I DONT and runs away and Ana is like, the fuck?

Ana tells Christian and he's like oh dang yeah thats one of my ex-subs Leila, she's hella cray. Ana is like oh weird thats so weird she looks just like me, and Christian is like oh yeah well actually all 15 of my ex-subs look like you. They are all brunettes, because you guys all look like my crack-whore mother and thats why I like to beat all y'alls up.....MARRY ME??? then Ana is like Yes Yes a thousand times Yes!! (as I think we all would, ladiez??) Actually thats not true she has to think about it for like a week, and gives him a little light up keychain on his birthday that says yes. Note: they have known each other for approximately 5 weeks.

Oh backtrack, Christian also at one point in his life was a Sub at the age of 15 to one of his Mom's friends who goes by the name Mrs. Robinson (hardy har har)...I probably won't talk about that but its a big deal in the book because Ana is like wah wah my poor lil christian hurt by a pedo.

So Christian and all his super spies and security are running around and they find out that x-sub Leila has bought a gun, BUT they can't figure out where she is that.

But of COURSE she is in Ana's apartment, and Ana is like oh snap hiii and then Christian busts in and is like "down girl" and leila drops into sub position and then he gives her a bath and pays for her to go to art school. Problem solved.

Back at Ana's work Jack Hyde is like standing really close asking Ana to go to get drinks and apparently has some sort of history where all his personal assistants only last for 3 months, and then hes like "girl I know you want me" and shes like um hell nah and then he touches her, but I dont think he like gropes her, hes just like, weirdly making contact, so shes like SELF DEFENSE KNEE TO GROIN and runs away, and of course Christian shows up. PS Christian always shows up because he is moody, dramatic, insanely territorial, and tracks her phone. He goes to her if he doesnt get a slutty email  response within five minutes because he thinks shes dead. So remember Christian bought the company Ana works for, so he busts in and is like Jack Hyde you are FIRED and so Hyde is obvi super pissed and leaves in a huff. Then Christian and Ana hug and have sex in a car or something.

Again, there is tons of sex going on all the time, they have sex on a pool table, in a car, in an elevator, tied to crosses, bathtubs, showers, beds (lame right?), and like I dont know they talk about wanting to do it on a piano but I dont think they get that far I don't recall. Here is a basic sex scene:

-he hisses through his teeth

-groans and moans

-apex of thighs

-please christian please

-erection pressing

-nipple puckering

-yeah baby you are always so ready

-oh ana!

-orgasm aftershocks

but then when it gets weird you can add

-struggling against the restraints

-stinging from the flogger

-i wish i could straighten my legs

-the blindfold makes it so erotic


Oh we find out that Christian doesnt like being touched because his mom's pimp used him as an ashtray. Also this WHOLE time there is really weird food complex, where Ana doesn't like eating and Christian is obsessed, and I was convinced there would be an eating disorder plot line but that never happened. Christian is obessed with food because his crackwhore mom dies when he is four and so he gets hungry because you know, he can't cook he's four, and his mom is dead on the ground for like a week. So you know he's got baggage but don't we all?

Christian goes missing for like, a day, and its in the news and everyone is crying and freaking out but then he's fine just his helicopter almost crashed. "don't leave me" "never I never will" blah blah thats all they talk about.

50 Shades Freed Book 3:

This book gets really jumpy. I feel like the Author was trying to wrap it up.

So it starts with them on their honeymoon, they BARELY touch on wedding. We go straight to having sex on a boat. Then while they are on their honeymoon, Christians office building is set on fire. Everyone is like oh dang the helicopter and now the office who could it be oh gee who who who???

Then there is a security tape and Ana is like ITS JACK HYDE MY ANGRY EX-BOSS!!!

Then there is like a random car chase, which ends with sex in a car. Then.... like.....more sex, vacation in Aspen, lots of arguments about Ana's independence vs Christian's control issues...

Then they catch Jack because he was going to Kidnap Ana but they are loaded with security so Jack is in Jail.

Then Ana's doctor is like ANA you have missed four appointments! And Ana is like, curse my secretary for cancelling appointments when I say! So the doctor is like ok well lets check if you're preggers, oh, you ARE conGRATS here is a pamphlet.

So Ana is like ohhhh man I just turned 22 and got a crazy ass car and platinum charm bracelet for my birthday, and Christian and I have known each other for prob 8 weeks? He is going to fuh-lip.

So shes like Christian! Surprise! and he fuh-lips. He like yells and tantrums and storms out to drink a bunch of burboun. Then she is looking at her ultrasound picture and there is just a little blip which is the baby and she's all like "but he's our lil blip."

So Christian and Ana are like, super pissed at each other, and Ana locks herself in the sex playroom and they are both ignoring each other.

So Ana gets a phone call from Jack Hyde because he is out of Jail now and hes like I have Christian's sister Mia you stupid bitch whore give me 5 million dollars or I will FUCK HER UPPPP you have two hours *click*

and Ana is like shit shit shit I need three hours!!!

So she give security the slip and goes to the bank and the banker is like err uhh I'ma call your husband because withdrawing five million in cash is quite unusual and Christian is on the phone like YOURE LEAVING ME??? and Ana is like uh...yes? Even though she's not, but she figures that Christian will stay away and not accidentally kill his sister.

So she gets the cash lickity split and goes out the back of the bank and gets in a car with one of Hyde's henchmen...henchwomen... and they drive to Hyde and Hyde is like YOURE A BITCH and like punches her in the face and she cracks her skull on pavement and he kicks her in the ribs and shes like noooo lil blip!!! and then she whips out a GUN (Leila-x-subs gun actually Christian was keeping it in a drawer) and then shoots Hyde in the knee and passes out. But as she's passing out, Christian like, arrives on the scene.

Then she is like fading in and out of convos while she is in the hospital and ends up being unconcious for like, four days or something but then wakes up and christian and her breath on each other and cry and are like ITS NOT JUST THE TWO OF US ANYMORE THERE IS NOW LIL BLIP and then they go home and shes like all I wanna do is BONE and he's like no no no youre all bruised from getting the shit kicked out of you.

Then they go and look at their house they are remodeling and have sex in a meadow.

THEN all of a sudden she is pregnant with kid number 2, kid number 1 (ted) is two, they are in their new house, and then its like, a perfect life and then it ends?

and then its the first two chapters from the first book in Christians perspective and then its over.