Brainthoughts

Because that's what they are and titles are hard

Giving this a Go / Jerk-off Guy

I don't really understand blogging. I have skimmed through a few, know people that have them, and have been told by several people that I should start one. I'm not going to lie - I feel pretty stupid. Who wants to read what I have to say? Do I even want people to read what I have to say? More importantly, do I even have anything to say?? I am not ready to go to bed yet so I figured that is a good enough reason as any to start one of these things. Will it be maintained? Probably not, but anything is possible. Also I have a pretty crazy story I am tired of typing out to my friends, so why not put it out there for the whole internet:

So on Friday I took the Metro-North train, as I usually do, out to visit family for the weekend. It is super convenient and takes around an hour which is totally doable. Grand Central was crazy, complete chaos. Not only was it 4:00 on a Friday afternoon, but basically all the ticket machines were out of order and the ones that were in service were not taking cards. So I figured I would just go to the train and I buy my ticket on board so I wouldn't stand in these endless lines of grumps. I found a train car which was pretty much empty except for a couple of people in the front, and went straight to the back next to the window and started dinking around on my phone or whatever. People are slowly getting on the train in different places and my car is staying pretty empty, but then this guy comes out of nowhere, like from the back, and sits next to me. He's like, probably late thirties or early forties, black hair, acne scars. I don't know what his ethnicity was really, something latino maybe. He had a blue polo, ipod earbuds, a big silver watch and a black backpack on his lap. It was partially unzipped and there was an apricot in the top pocket. I was trying to make the tv work on my phone like an asshole, but I was at 20% battery so I gave up pretty quickly. I spent most of the ride spacing out and gorging on pita chips like a maniac. We reached a station I use as a landmark (timemark?) for having maybe twenty minutes left until I get to my stop. So I pulled out a book and tried out reading - but its one of those books where you read the same page over and over again and realize you have been checking off a to-do list in your head instead of retaining information - So I'm sort of half-reading, half spying on people. Suddenly I realize that this guy next to me has one hand on the top of his backpack - which has been in his lap the entirety of the ride - and one hand under his backpack in his lap. I immediately felt like that was weird. It was the aisle, him, his hidden arm, me, window. I was trying to stare at his arm through my peripheral vision, which was difficult, but I noticed that his hidden arm kept moving, like I could see the muscles moving, and I was thinking, "oh my god, he is totally jacking off." I was stuck between him and the window, and he kept looking over at me, and jerking off. The train was full of people, and he was JERKING OFF. WATCHING ME. I was just like hmm hmm hmm reading my book hmm hmm hmm, like I didn't know what to do. Because a part of me was like, "okay, this is ridiculous, he can't ACTUALLY be jerking off." Like I kept trying to see his face to see if I could get some sort of verification- and he was totally expressionless. just kind of looking around, all ho-hum, but I could feel him looking at me for sure. He kept like, starting then stopping, like he was being really subtle. But I still wasn't positive, and really, really didn't want that to be the situation (maybe he had poison oak?) and I probably wouldn't have noticed except for the fact that keeping a hand under a backpack seemed super weird to me. But then there was one point where he was like, going at it pretty hard, like the backpack was shaking, and I can't explain how I felt. The only other times my body felt the way it did then was when I thought someone had broken into my house, and when I almost ran over a baby deer with my car. Like the adrenaline, and my head and my heart and my body temperature, I was like, "holy shit. no way. I am actually going into cardiac arrest." But I still didn't want to do anything to accuse, because it was so RIDICULOUS like WHO has the balls to jerk off in public? Like it couldn't be real, even though I was pretty sure. Then it was my stop and he like, made eye contact with me with this huge smile and was like, oh is this your stop? Like totally, creepily, normal. And when he got up he kept his backpack in front of him the whole time, like super casual, but definitely hiding something. But when he first stood up I saw that his pants were totally undone, like zipper, button, open. Just for like two seconds before he put the backpack back in front of him. I was dying. Like I got off the train and was like holy shit. This guy sought me out when the train was empty, picked me, sat next to me, jerked off to me, all in public, and was totally cool like didn't break a sweat. I couldn't - nay, CAN'T believe it. Now I am kicking myself in the ass, like the regret I feel for not making a dramatic scene or not telling a train person, is overwhelming. But at the time I was frozen! It was so freaky! and disgusting! and surreal! But like, he was so cool about it I am sure it wasn't his first time public-jerking-off-at-a-person, and since he got away with it, it probably won't be his last. So I am so super pissed at myself for not like, screaming at him and being super dramatic. Bah humbug.

But actually when I got back to Grand Central I chit-chatted with the po-po about it, and even though nothing can be done about it now, they were super nice and told me how the situation would go down. SO if you guys find yourselves being jerked off to, just go and tell a conductor, and they will use their fancy radios to phone the police, and then the police would meet the train at the station and block all the doors and catch him and take a statement from you and you would be anonymus and he would be pants down in the back of a police car!

Pretty thorough for a first blog post am I right?